Unknown Tragedy

[trajik]

I'm told this was my best piece in sacred scriptures this season.




Unknown Tragedy

-Song of Sorrow-

A tragedy, victims are so sad to see, unknown cause
They're frantically panicking, trapped in misery's stone jaws
Becoming a mystery riddled page in history, crying
Weeps of sorrow, hoping for tomorrow, disaster trying,
Callously, to steal the reality of these sufferers 
Clinging to life, grief bringing them down, how could they suffer worse?

-Touch of Grey-

The sun rays fade becoming dark shades of grey, enveloping
The atmosphere above, they must fear the developing
Smoke in the air, the folk in despair: void of optimism
Tear drops and landscape are xerox copies in this optic prison
Anguish all around, ashes on the ground, pandemonium
In the midst, dissenters amass, here stands a lonely one:

-Silent Soul-

A quiet girl sovereign from the riot, appearing to pray
She's running and huffing, there's nothing I'm hearing her say
Conspicuous confusion in her eyes, her tormented soul
Lusting for justification for the burn scented knoll
Wandering alone, pondering reasons why this transpired
No one deserved this fate that was served, but the luck expired

-Conclusion-

Distancing my position, witnessing the turmoil unfold
This sight of plight delights me, my soul is soiled and cold 
Knowing I provoked this growing state of hysteria
Is endlessly pleasant; horrendously, this area:
This village, was pillaged by my actions of setting it ablaze
I set the fire for my desire of sending it a craze



Will drop feedback links later. Drop a link to your piece and I'll return the feed!

[trajik]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...26&postcount=5
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...77&postcount=4
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...15&postcount=2

[WhatsHisFace]

Vary nice piece. Imagery is great and you used it as a main structure for this piece which brought out something really good, emotion. Also, your word choice was vary nice. "Misery, Anguish, desire, sorrow, optimism, etc." Those words kept adding image as well as emotion.

One things I would say to improve is the finish. Each paragraph thier was a good finisher, but for a strong emotion your setting you got to go out strong. Maybe add your own opinion or a messege for people to think about it.

Overall, well done and keep writing.

Can you give feedback on this:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...301/index.html

[Str8 JackIt]

The sun rays fade becoming dark shades of grey, enveloping
The atmosphere above, they must fear the developing
Smoke in the air, the folk in despair: void of optimism
Tear drops and landscape are xerox copies in this optic prison

A tragedy, victims are so sad to see, unknown cause
They're frantically panicking, trapped in misery's stone jaws
Becoming a mystery riddled page in history, crying
Weeps of sorrow, hoping for tomorrow, disaster trying,

- good opening

i dont remember all your SS drops to be honest but this was a good one...your playoff one sticks out most though

but in regards to this one, good flow, decent imagery, no touch vocab which keeps a reader like me into it....solid drop...

[Goretex]

this piece was good, and seems to be focused pretty much on the imagery and flow. which isn't a bad thing, i enjoyed it. flow wise, decent rhyme schemes and some multis. imagery was great, it stuck out the most to me. nothing seemed forced, so good job with the structuring too. loving the metaphors, they always hook a reader. also the emotion, that was another thing that hit me about this piece.. good choice of words, always a good way to brighten up the emotion. great read, and thank you.

[.Nell.]

this was aight bro, pretty new to the site, but i'm liking alot of drop on here, this is one of them, nice flow and multis, would like to hear this recorded, think it would fit a beat well, id of liked to of seen each section 8 lines instead of 6, you could of said more, opening it well, vocab was alright aswell, not many faults i can pick man, good shit

[trajik]

Thanks for feedback guys, I'll return it if I haven't, after I finish my verse for sacred scriptures...
I got writers block right now.